


this is not a kissing book

by deepfriedleafs (ralndown)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: But also not crack, M/M, a botched attempt at coherent geography, a lot of bending of character attributes, crack + cheesy tropes?, crack taken a little bit seriously, it's a princess bride au so, this is.... crack, vague canadian references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-28 13:18:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13904817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralndown/pseuds/deepfriedleafs
Summary: "You mock my pain."The Man in Burgundy only smirked at the Prince's stubborn frustration."Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."Connor hates him.or; the princess bride au i've been meaning to write for over a year





	1. as you wish

**Author's Note:**

  * For [megeggsalad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/megeggsalad/gifts).



> hey meg remember when I sent you a bunch of messages about how I was frustrated and confused about how people don't write princess bride aus and then lowkey bombarded you with a brief synopsis of what a mcstrome one might look like  
> and then I never mentioned it again...  
> WELLLLLLLLL
> 
>  
> 
> this is a mess but I'm kinda in love with it  
> have fun

Connor McDavid grew up on a small farm in rural Ontario. His favourite pastimes were road hockey and tormenting the three sons of his neighbour that lived in the house down the lane. Coincidentally, all three worked for Connor’s parents, so he saw them often. He paid extra attention particularly to the middle of the three. His name was Dylan Strome, but Connor never really called him that, and nothing gave him as much amusement as bossing the boy around.

 

“Farm boy.”

“Shut up, you also live on this farm.”

Dylan had a bit of a fire in him. Maybe that’s why teasing him was so fun for Connor.

“Tape my stick for me?”

Dylan rolled his eyes, but took the slightly beaten hockey stick and roll of black tape offered to him.

“As you wish.”

 

“Farm boy.”

“Connor-”

“Go refill my water bottle?” Sometimes Connor even bat his eyelashes for dramatic effect. “Please?”

“As you wish.”

 

As you wish. It was a thing. Neither remembers how it started or why it stuck, but it did. Dylan was the same age as Connor, and the only advantage Connor really had over him was that Dylan did technically work for his family, but they were friends now so, that didn’t really matter. Dylan came over every afternoon after school and worked in the barns until dinner, and then he and Connor would play road hockey until the sun went down. Sometimes Dylan’s brothers Ryan and Matt even joined them, but they prefered the nights when it was just the two of them. Somewhere in between hockey plays and the different exports outsourced from the McDavid farm, there was a part of Connor that recognized that he probably loved Dylan.

 

“Farm boy, grab the net for me?”

Connor looked up at the old hockey net hanging from a set of hooks maybe a foot above his head, a perfectly reachable distance, and waited for Dylan to turn and look at him. First he looked at Connor’s smug face (He knew he could reach the net, and he knew Dylan knew that he could reach the net, he just liked fucking with him) and then over to the net. Dylan, being a few inches taller than Connor, was just at eye level with the red crossbar. Staring Connor dead in the eyes with an unreadable expression on his face, not even a foot away from Connor’s own now rather pink face, Dylan grabbed the posts of the hockey net, lifted it off the pegs and set it down to the cement floor.

“As you wish.”

And without another word, he turned and walked out of the garage, Connor’s eyes following him until he was completely out of sight.

 

Something changed between them after that, though it’s doubtful anyone noticed. They were already attached at the hip but if you knew what to look for, you could find the difference.

 

Dylan’s older brother, Ryan, bless his heart, was the first to work out that something had changed. Well, ‘work out’ probably isn’t the most accurate way to put it. There's really nothing to work out when you walk in to work and find your younger brother with his hand down your employer’s son’s pants. Like. That's pretty self-explanatory.

 

Teenage foolery had to come to an abrupt end, however, when word came that the three boys would be moving across the province to live with their grandparents.

 

Dylan fought to stay, but he had finished his schooling and had stopped working for the farm just a year before. His only reason to stay was Connor, but Connor wouldn’t let him.

 

“There’s nothing here for you, Dyl. There are so many things that Missisauga can give you that this town can’t - that I can’t. You have to go.”

“What about you?”

“This farm is my life. I still have work here, and my parents need me. With Cam gone at school, I’m the only help my father has.”

Dylan was quiet for a very long time.

“Can I write you?”

It was evident in both the look on his face and the softness of which the words came out that Dylan was close to tears.

Connor scoffed, but he was also tearing up so it came out as more of a choked sneeze.

“You’d better! I expect no less, Farm Boy.”

“See, now that really doesn’t work.”

“Shut up, semantics.”

And because he couldn’t stand to watch Dylan cry and because it was the last time he would see him in an unspecified amount of time, Connor pulled Dylan in for a searing kiss that he hoped would share the sentiments he knew he couldn’t say yet.

They're still teenage boys, so emotional talks aren’t exactly their forte, but both knew this was a moment they wouldn’t soon forget.

“I have this terrible fear that I’m never gonna see you again” Connor confessed.

It was something Connor had been feeling since Dylan told him he would be leaving, and it didn’t feel like it was going away.

“You’re just dreading having to do all your own chores, for once.”

It was exactly the response Connor needed to not break down right then.

They would be fine. Dylan would write and Connor would work and maybe in a year or so… But they really didn’t know.

 

Dylan slowly dragged his arms down from around Connors neck and grabbed for his calloused farm hands instead.

“Do something for me?”

Connor nodded and looked up earnestly.

“Wait for me.”

It was all Dylan could ask that wasn’t directly involving getting on his knee in the dirt, and he hoped those three words said just as much as he felt, which, objectively, was a fucking lot.

“As you wish.”  


-

 

Connor got his first letter nearly a month after the Strome’s left for Mississauga, only it wasn’t from Dylan. It wasn’t from Ryan, or Matt either, in fact - it wasn’t marked as being from anyone at all.

 

_To whom it apparently concerns,_

_We are only kind of sorry….your boy…. attacked …. kidnapped by The League…. murdered…._

 

Connor couldn’t read any more. He understood the cryptic message well enough.

 

He left the letter where he opened it, halfway between the post box by the road and the driveway up to the McDavid farm, and ran home only to lock himself in his room. He wouldn’t come out for days, and he hardly ate.

He knew he would never love anyone like he loved his Farm Boy.

But a life spent in mourning isn’t how Dylan would want Connor to live, nor how he would want to be remembered. So Connor stored up his grief for a better time and doubled his work in the fields. Anything to distract him from the memory that the idiot boy he loved would never return home.

 

-

 

Five years later, the country’s crowned monarch Crown Prince Crosby, was to announce the civilian hand picked to be his spouse. He had scoured the country for the most eligible and desirable suitors and found himself a fondness for one in particular - none other than Connor McDavid of Richmond.

 

“My people.” Crosby’s lips split in a prideful smile and he turned to look back at where Connor stood; a good two feet behind the Crown Prince looking like he would rather be buried under a metre of cow manure.

“The Prince Connor!”


	2. fuss

Connor’s emptiness consumed him. Although there were no laws against Prince Crosby choosing his husband the way he did, Connor couldn't love him. In fact it was preposterous to him that you could be made to marry someone. You can't force love, you also can't ask for it. Love comes and goes as it pleases, and Connor couldn't see anyone ever filling Dylan's place in his heart. Despite his efforts, Crosby seemed pretty convinced that in time Connor would find it in him to show him the affection that a good husband should. 

 

Being forced to stay at the castle did have its perks however, and Connor was given access to some of the greatest rinks in the country.  
Connor doesn't remember if he had ever practiced on an indoor rink. Growing up on the farm, his and Dylan’s parents would make a rink in the field every winter. The ice conditions were never great and it was difficult to keep clear, but a worn pair of ice skates and a young heart were all the boys really needed to play. 

 

Hockey was the one thing Connor could rely on to take him away from the stress of what this arrangement was putting on him. Alone under the white lights of the rink with just a stick and a net, and a few random pucks, Connor felt more free than he had in years. 

 

It was there, after a few good hours of training, that he was approached by an interesting trio. 

 

“A word, my prince?”

 

Connor turned and was met with three different stares. 

The shortest, standing in the front, looked to be only just older than Connor. He had the posture of someone who suggests you to pay attention to him, as though he wore a sign around his neck that read : ‘WARNING: I BITE.’   
On his left stood a lean, slightly older man with a stoic face, but charming eyes. He was unmistakably attractive, all scruffy beard and soft hair like, but something in the set of his jaw warned you not to play with him.  
To their right was a very large… man. I suppose you could call him a giant, though he looked rather friendly for the strength he probably held and the fact that he could probably throw Connor the whole 200ft of the ice and not break a sweat. It definitely helped that he was the only one of the three that looked as though he were actually smiling. All three of them were technically smiling, but the other two looked ready to devour Connor whole. The giant just looked… amused. 

 

It was the one in the front who had spoken. 

 

“We are but a poor lost ...swim team. Is the pool nearby?” 

 

“The... pool? No, there's just the rinks. We’re already on the outside of town, there isn't much of anything for a few klicks. I’m the only one who comes out here. ” 

(Connors fairly certain there definitely is a royal pool, but heck, he has no idea where it is.)

 

“Good. Then there will be nobody to hear you scream.”

 

Connor doesn't have time to even react before the giant reaches out and everything goes black. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


When Leon signed up to kidnap the Crown Prince’s fiancé, he really didn't see this as part of the job. He assumed they would just… grab the Prince and be done with it. This is a whole other thing. 

 

“What were you doing?”

 

After their giant, Lucic, had dragged the Prince out of the rink, their ringleader, Jack, had stayed behind and only _just now_ followed them out. 

 

“Planting evidence. I left a scrap from the jacket of a Flyer.”

Lucic looked confused.

“A Flyer?” 

“You know, the guys from Philadelphia.”

“Why would you frame them?”

“The Crown Prince hates them. Dunno why. There's probably a reason. They're enemies, that's the important part. Once someone comes looking for the Prince, they'll suspect the Flyers have taken his love. And when he finds his body dead on the Philadelphia frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.”

Now Lucic just looked alarmed, which, with the addition of the unconscious body of the Prince over his shoulder, added up to a rather amusing sight. 

“You never said anything about killing anyone.”

Jack charged over to where Lucic was leaning on the side of Jack’s truck. The giant had a good extra foot on Jack and the closer he got to him the more amusing the inevitable ensuing argument was bound to be.

“I hired you to help me start a war. That’s a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition.”

“I just don’t think it’s right, killing an innocent person.”

This really set Jack off. 

“Am I going mad or did the word ‘think’ escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains you hippopotamic land mass!”

Leon was tired, and really just wanted to get on the road. The longer they stayed here the greater chance they had of being caught.  
Somehow, Jack found his way around Lucic and into the driver’s seat of the large vehicle. Leon had already been waiting in the passenger seat and Lucic got in the back, the prince draped over his lap, and they finally set off. 

 

Things were almost quiet but then-

“I agree with Lucic. It’s not right.”

“Oh the pretty face speaks! What happens to him is not truly your concern.”   
If Leon had thought Jack was furious before, now he was really working himself up.  
“I _will_ kill him. And remember this, never forget this,” He took one hand off the wheel, not glancing away from the road in front of him, and pointed at Leon.

“When I found you, you were so lost and confused you couldn’t find your way off of Jasper.” He shifted his arm to direct it towards the giant in the back seat. “And you too - friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless - Do you want me to send you two back to where you were, unemployed - in  _ Edmonton?? _ ”

Leon glared at him but Jack simply put his hand back on the wheel, content with his argument, and focused back on the road. 

Leon turned around to look at Lucic.

“That Eichel, he can  _ fuss.” _

The giant looked back with a perplexed look on his face. “I think he just likes to scream at us.”

“Probably he means no harm.”

“He’s really very short of charm.”

Leon smiled. “Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme.”

“Yes, some of the time.” 

The giant also began to smile, but Jack turned to glare at him. 

“Enough of that!”

The two quickly sobered up. 

“Luc, are there twists ahead? Can you tell?” 

“If there are, we’ll all be dead.”

Jack huffed. “No more rhymes now, I mean it.”

 

“...Anybody want a peanut?”

 

Jack screamed.

 

* * *

 

The sun set and they were still on the road.

 

“We’ll reach the cliffs by dawn.” 

Leon turned to look out of the window at the back of the truck. Jack noticed.

“Why are you doing that?”

“Making sure nobody’s following us.”

Jack scoffed, but looked uncertain. “That would be inconceivable.”

“Despite what you think, you will be caught.” 

 

The Prince had awoken and was now glaring at his captors, anxious brown eyes searching the scenery passing the windows for any indication of where he was being taken. But he was out of luck, as it was far too dark to make out anything but the shadows of trees. 

 

“And when you are, the Prince will see you all thrown in prison, or hanged for treason!”

Jack turned around to glare at their _precious cargo_.

“Of all the necks in this truck, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own.”

Leon still stared out the back window.

“Stop doing that! We can all relax, it’s almost over-”

“You’re sure nobody’s following us?”

“As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Philly knows what we’ve done. And no one from the Prince could have gotten here so fast.”

Jack tried to stay resolute, but there was something in the hitch of his voice that gave him away.

“Out of curiosity, why do you ask?”

“No reason. It’s only,

 

“I just happened to look behind us, and something is there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why jack? eh, why not?  
> why is this happening in a truck? eh, why not?  
> luc is only an inch- yes I know. it's fiction. I do what I want.
> 
> as always I can be found @b-davy on tumblr and @deepfriedleafs on twitter!

**Author's Note:**

> in all seriousness I've wanted to start writing this since last july and hopefully!!! I actually will!! so subscribe and look forward to sporadic updates!
> 
>  
> 
> <16


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